


Five Failed Birthday Presents Jayne Gave River

by toxic_corn



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Humor, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-05
Updated: 2006-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-07 11:50:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11058351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toxic_corn/pseuds/toxic_corn
Summary: Jayne's gift giving skills need work.





	Five Failed Birthday Presents Jayne Gave River

**Author's Note:**

> Written for nutmeg610 back in the day on LJ. This was her prompt. *dun dun*

1\. Try Harder

 

Jayne was humped.

 

Just five minutes ago, Kaylee had told ‘im it was the moonbrain’s birthday. Everyone had gotten her a present.

 

‘Cept him.

 

Well, how the hell was he supposed to know?! He wasn’t the reader and he sure as hell weren’t kept in the loop when it came to these kinds of things.

 

Now he was rootin’ around in his bunk trying to find something. _Anything_. He wouldn’t even be bothering if Mal hadn’t warned him just last week that if he antagonized Crazy or her brother one more time, he was out. Forgettin’ her birthday wasn’t exactly antagonistic but it sure didn’t paint Jayne in the nicest light.

 

Desperate, he stuck his hand under his bed and decided that he’d just go with whatever he found there.

~*~

“Happy birthday dear River, happy birthday to you!”

 

Beaming, the girl blew out the candles on her cake. Jayne eyed it, mouth watering. No fake protein cake was this. It was the genuine article ‘n he couldn’t wait to get a mouthful of spongy, creamy goodness. He could at least enjoy it before he died.

 

But then the girl had to go clappin’ her hands and squealin’, “Presents first!”

 

“All right, albatross,” Mal said, grinning. “Start with mine.”

 

Jayne watched with sinking heart as she unwrapped Mal’s gift, which turned out to be a little gun of her very own. Zoe got her the holster, Inara some makeup, Kaylee some girly hair clips, and her brother a new dress.

 

“Jayne?” Mal asked, a warning in his tone. “You got somethin’ to offer our pilot?”

 

“Uh, yeah.” Jayne dug in his pocket and handed her a crumbled piece of paper. “Here.”

 

Frowning, River unfolded the paper and studied it for a long moment.

 

“Mei mei? What is it?” The doc craned his neck to see.

 

“It’s a coupon.” She gave Jayne one of her looks. “For a discount shave.”

 

Kaylee groaned. “Jayne, couldn’t ya have at least _tried_?”

 

“Maybe I can make use of it,” Mal said, glaring at Jayne.

 

“I doubt it,” River said dryly. “It’s expired.”

 

Everyone was glaring at him now.

 

Yeah. He was humped all right.

 

 

2\. Cocky Much?

 

Jayne had been noticing the way River was watching him lately, when she thought no one was paying attention. Lookin’ at him like she liked what she saw. He’d taken to flexing his muscles, just knowing he was makin’ her all hot.

 

Now it was the girl’s birthday and it was a casual affair, everyone chattin’ and eatin’ cake and drinkin’ punch. She’d opened everyone’s presents already, ‘cept for one. His.

 

Gotta save the best for last, after all.

 

He waited until River had gathered up her gifts with the intention of puttin’ ‘em in her room real quick then re-joining the party. Now was his chance.

 

He stepped in front of her, blocking the door. “Well. Bet you been wonderin’ when you was gonna get _my_ present.”

 

River didn’t say anything, just kept playing with the cup and ball Simon had gotten her.

 

He stepped closer, lowering his face to hers. “It’s right here. A big. Fat. Kiss.”

 

She barely spared him a glance. “Cheapskate.” And walked around him and was out the door.

 

Gobsmacked, Jayne watched her go. But… hadn’t she been…? Didn’t she…? Maybe no one saw.

 

But when he turned slowly, he found everyone staring at him. The doc looked about ready to heave.

 

“Uh,” Jayne said.

 

“How could she resist?” Mal asked in a fake serious voice. “Can I get a birthday kiss, Jayne?”

 

Kaylee snorted and pressed a hand to her mouth to keep from spewing punch.

 

“Ain’t yer birthday,” Jayne snarled.

 

Their laughter followed him as he skulked off to nurse his wounded pride.

 

 

3\. Whoops

 

Jayne waited until the rain had let up before going to pick up River’s present. Yesterday, he’d had the local confectioner make up a batch of peanut butter fudge, since it was his girl’s favorite. He knew that the gift was gonna go over well and maybe if he played his cards right, she’d let him have some, too.

 

Coming back to the ship, he stumbled and nearly fell into a puddle. Nearly dropped her present! He looked down at his feet and saw his boot laces untied. Wanting to avoid an accident, he set the bag down on the ground next to him and tied up the laces real tight. Then he was off on his merry way, whistling as he went.

 

Everyone was in the cargo bay when he got back, stowing their latest shipment.

 

“I see you went out just in time to avoid work Jayne,” Mal said, looking grouchy.

 

He gave Mal a just as nasty look back then smiled at his girl who was smilin’ at him all pretty. “I was just gettin’ River her present, see?” He held up the bag.

 

There was a horrible wet, ripping sound and before everyone’s horrified eyes, the bottom of the bag gave way and the fudge fell through the soaked bag. Why the hell had he put it on the ground?!

 

The flimsy box the fudge had been placed in opened in midair and before he could say _ruttin’ hell_ the yummy treat splatted on the dusty, gritty cargo bay floor.

 

No one moved.

 

Jayne sighed and waved his hand at the mess. “Well. Happy birthday, baby.”

 

 

4\. Ouch

 

“Get us in the air, Kenny!” Mal shouted into the com.

 

“Right, captain!”

 

The new pilot wasn’t quite as good as Wash had been but that wasn’t to say he didn’t know his stuff. Given a few years, he could be just as good as their former pilot had been. Maybe.

 

After Jayne helped Mal stow the cargo and they shot the breeze a bit, he tromped up the stairs to the mess, wanting a snack or something. He stopped short when he saw River at the table, coloring in one of her drawings.

 

 _She’s right there_ , he told himself. _May as well get this over with before we get an audience_.

 

“Uh, hey,” Jayne said. “Heard it was your birthday.”

 

“Yes,” River said, not looking up. “Eighteen years and nine hours old.”

 

Jayne nodded. “Right. Well, I got ya somethin’.”

 

She looked up then, her face eager. “A present?”

 

He chuckled. “Yep. Got it right here.” He reached into the inner pocket of his jacket and pulled out the small, prettily wrapped package he’d picked up while out with Mal.

 

“My party’s tonight,” River said uncertainly. “I should wait.”

 

“Naw.” Jayne shook the box at her. “I’d rather ya opened this up in private.”

 

“Okay.” She reached out and took the box from him, pulling off the ribbon and taking off the lid in a flash. She moved aside the tissue paper and gasped. “Jayne!”

 

“I hope it’s okay,” Jayne said. “It was the prettiest thing I could find in my price range.”

 

River pulled out a long gold chain. On it was strung a single white pearl.

 

“Here, I’ll help ya put it on.” Jayne stepped forward.

 

“I’m sorry, I can’t accept this.” River dropped it into the box and handed it to him, an apology in her eyes.

 

“But I got it for ya,” Jayne said, not understanding.

 

“I know,” she said, gently. “I just can’t accept it.”

 

Right then, Kenny strode into the room, a big grin on his face. “And we’re right on course to Persephone!”

 

Jayne hurriedly put the box away as Kenny neared them.

 

“Happy birthday, sugar,” the boy said, and twined his fingers in River’s long, dark hair.

 

She smiled back. “Thank you.”

 

Watching them, Jayne understood that he’d never stood a chance. If he ever had. When River tipped her head back for a kiss, Jayne hurried out of the room, telling himself they’d only last another month.

 

 

5\. Thanks for Trying

 

After the shaving coupon disaster of last year, Jayne had made sure that when the time came, he’d gotten River a present. It was a real nice one, too. At the last planet they’d been on, there'd been a girly shop full of frilly things and he’d picked out a pretty purple dress. The fabric was light and soft and he could just picture it swirlin’ around her legs as she danced from place to place.

 

Mal wasn’t gonna have any problem with _this_ gift.

 

On the way to the mess, he heard the excited buzz of the party under way. Guess after last year, they hadn’t been expecting much from him and started without him. He smirked. Weren’t they in for a surprise.

 

But it was him jaw-dropping in disbelief as he stood in the doorway and watched River lift the lid off a box and pull out the _same ruttin’ dress he’d just got her._

 

“Simon, it’s beautiful!” River cooed.

 

The whole ‘verse was against him. That’s all there was to it. Jayne looked at the box under his arm and backed away, slowly, an idea turning over in his head.

 

He dashed down to the girl’s room, hoping she wouldn’t mind if he borrowed a few things.

~*~

They were well into the cake when Jayne strode in.

 

“’Bout time you joined us, Jayne,” Mal said. “Awful nice cake here.”

 

“Yeah, it looks de-licious.” Jayne nodded at River. “Got somethin’ for ya.”

 

“A haircut to go with the shave?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.

 

He scowled as everyone laughed. “No. Here.” He handed her a home-made card.

 

She accepted it with a look of surprise on her face. On the front was a crudely drawn stick figure with long black hair wearing a purple triangle. Her eyes widened at the little dress and looked back at him.

 

“What’d he write inside, River?” Kaylee asked, then giggled. “Poetry?”

 

River opened the card and saw the following:

 

_River –_

_I O U one berthday presint._

_\- Jayne_

 

Mal looked over her shoulder and glared at Jayne. “Another winner this year, I see.”

 

“No,” River admonished the captain. She tapped the purple triangle and looked up at Jayne. He could see that she’d understood what happened. Good ol’ reader.

 

“Thank you for trying, Jayne,” she said, softly.

 

He didn’t know why, but his insides twisted a little. “Sure. Can I get some o’ that cake now?”

THE END


End file.
